NRI Maami

We now have less than a month left before my brother-in-law’s wedding. Due to various different factors, we decided to have the wedding performed ‘Iyengar’ style, right here at the Aurora temple.

As one would expect, even though we will try to do all the usual wedding stuff, it’s going to be quite impossible to have the grand affair with 500+ people, 2 dozen varieties during lunch, 2 different dozen varieties during reception dinner, all the necessary and unnecessary talking, cross-examining and criticism that is a part and parcel of tambram weddings in India.

I was then tempted to analyze the interesting players in a tambram wedding in India especially the ones who would be missing at this wedding:

Before I start, here is the disclaimer: References to all people in the following paragraphs, living or dead are imaginary and any resemblance to you or anyone you can get offended by is purely coincidental.

1. “Pattu podavai Maamis”: The scores of dozens of pattu podavai maamis who characterize every tambram wedding, and set the mood for the occasion. No wedding is wedding enough if there aren’t enough people in pattu podavais(silk sarees). These maamis range from the older maamis who wear the MS blue to the younger maamis who wear the bluish greens and the greenish bluish reds.
2. “The Manja pai Maamas” (Yellow cloth bag Uncle): The odd manja pai mamas, whom no one is really sure about which side he was invited by. Usually these poor old men are the kinds who will make sure they bless anyone who asks for their blessings, and they are also the types that get to the mantapam by 6:00, if the wedding starts at 6:30 and then occupy the front row corner seat. They also get very embarrassed if they are ‘gavinichified’ (taken care of by the hosts).
3. “Porandhaam Perumai Athais”: These athais (father’s sisters), are a subclass of the “pattu podavai maamis” except they have important roles to play at the wedding and if they are on the groom’s side, are also responsible for keeping the bride’s side on their toes. They are the ones who in-spite of having moved out of their dad’s homes may be half a century ago, talk like ‘enga aathlae andha pazhakkam illai’ and still mean their father’s family.
4. “Malai Maathum Munnani Maamas” : These are the maamas who are not really directly maamas, onnu-vitta-maama types, who suddenly, magically appear at the moment of malai maathifying (exchanging garlands) and use all their muscle power to carry the bride and groom during the process.
5. “Kaeka-Pikkae ponngal”: All weddings have a group of early-teen girls, the ones who are still progressing from pavadais(skirts) to pavadai-dhavanis(half-skirts). They almost automatically form a group, around the entrance area for panneer thelichifying, and giggle the whole time about something or the other. This group is not to be dismissed as unnecessary and useless,  because these same girls by means of a single ‘athattal’ by a senior citizen can go scurrying to get a lot of odd jobs done.
6. “Azhukku Veshti Samayal Kaarar Maama” : The most poorly dressed at the wedding. They wear the “azhukest” or dirtiest veshti(dhothi), made so by soot, vada maavu, dosai maavu, molaga podi, thenga, sambar, rasam,.. (actually 4 dozen varieties of food as mentioned in the beginning). It’s a good thing that these mamas do not make a public appearance, else people who usually attend the wedding just for the kalyana sapadu, will most eagerly skip it.
7. “Pal Thekadha Server Maama” : These are the maamas who serve food on the banana leaf like an assembly line. They are responsible for pushing huge amounts of food (whether you want it or not), and doing so at such speed, that one can barely figure out the first dish before the next one is already on the leaf. The subcategory of these maamas, who make sure they don a ‘naamam’ before they start their work, but who also appear as if they just got out of bed will most definitely not be missed at the ‘Chicago Thirumanam’.
8. “Vethalai Kothappum Server Maama” : Another category of server maamas, are the ones who are usually not in a hurry to push the food on your leaf, but believe in having lengthened conversations with a mouth full of vethalai + paaku + whatever else goes with those two. One would wish that these Maamas, did not make their ‘cowly’ appearance during an excellent kalyana sapadu.
9. “The Patient Reception queuees“: These patient people will stand for any length of time to get a 30-second meeting with the bride and groom, in order to be photographed(and later wondered at by the bride and groom for who they must be). Some of them think it is necessary to endure this long wait, just so that they can get rid of the useless gift someone gave them, which they are now trying their best to recycle (pretty much like that cadburys advertisement).
10. “Paerukku oru gift Guests”: These are the people, on whom the bride/groom’s parents probably spent Rs.95/-  on, but end up getting a gift of Rs.50 in a faded yellow envelope from. How I get to that amount is:
    Auto: Rs. 50
    Invitation: Rs.10
    Saapadu (1 meal for 2 people): Rs.30(at least)
    Vethalai Paaku bag: Rs. 5
    Total: Rs.95

Updates:

Thank you Dinesh, Krishashok, Prem and Appa.

11. “Onnu Vitta Whatavar“: The onnu, rendu, moonu vitta maamas, maamis, athais, etc and old old old neighbours of parents, grandparents etc.. who consider your wedding more as an invitation to revisit history and think it is of great interest to you on your wedding to know about all the tricks that he played along with your grand uncle 60 years ago. On a more personal note, they might also tell you how cute you were as a baby and inform you about how much you have grown in the past 20 + years (as if you didn’t know).

12. “Industrial ManCooler Maama”: White shirt, white veshti, speaks Kumbakonamese (a dialect of Tamil that is spoken with 5 betel leaves and 20 ml of runny red liquid stuffed in the mouth), and stands in front of Almonard Fan drying sweat and discusses the next weddings to visit with fellow maamas.

13. “The Disinterested extra yelai”: These are the poor souls who are forced to come to weddings! The type of guys who keep questioning themselves ‘whats the meaning of it all’! the mass of humanity….the blaring speakers crapping out cacophony that noone cares to listen to but want to…the hordes of people fighting for one place at the dining table…the heat… Well at least they kind find solace in the good kalyana sapadu.

14. “The competitive saapatu ramans”: My father reminded me of those over-enthusiastic, ultra-competitive sapaatu ramans who in a crowded marriage will stand right behind you and watch over your leaf as you hurriedly gobble down your thair sadham so that they can sit on your chair the moment you are off it.

These are some categories that are not going to show up at the Chicago Thirumanam. Any more types you can think of?

Yesterday was the end of yet another Navarathri. Today I packed up all the bommais in neat brown paper bags and stacked them up in a cardboard carton to be stored away for a year. I was glad to reclaim our dining table for purposes of dining at it. I am also glad there is no more sundal, no more keeping the house neat for unexpected “vethalai paakars” and no more trying to fit into old pattu podavai blouses, atleast until next year. However, I have got to say that I would miss the socializing aspect of Navarathri if we didnt go through the exercise.  My golu is poised to grow bigger next year (god willing and my daughter willing).

I am really eager to attempt something different next time. Dont ask me what - I have a year to think about it. Finished Saraswathi Poojai. We also gave our poor cars their much needed car wash and ran them over lemons. It’s a good thing Ayudha poojai does not come in winter, because I cannot imagine trying to run over lemons on snow. Next thing do is wait for Deepavali.

As Navarathri approached, the blogosphere was bombarded with Navarathri and Kolu related posts. I ran into quite a few that attacked one of my favorites - Sundal. Krish Ashok talked about a 9 day mega orgy of protein intake (also pointing to a descriptive woe of sundal consumption by ATP). I had then made up my mind on dedicating a full post to the fun and joy of consuming varieties of Sundal during Navarathri and how special it made the 9 days. However, before I could dedicate some time for that, I was myself attacked by the much described woes of sundal consumption. Duh! Who would’ve expected it - that too after a mere 3 servings of sundal.. Cha cha.. Ennakae avamaanama pochu. So that kind of killed the fun of doing the post about Sundal anyway. My first round of Kolu visitors visited last Saturday. I only tormented them slightly with one ’saltless’ serving of sundal. Hopefully the accompanying rava kesari and bonda would’ve compensated for that. The dolls pretty much occupied every available inch of kolu padi space. I am hence forced to consider 5 steps for next year. The little tornado has been under control.. so far.. (I hope I’ve not jinxed myself). The next thing to be done is to inflict ‘The Sundal Effect’ on my next round of kolu guests expected tomorrow.

We temporarily switched to Dish network so that we could subscribe to Sun TV for my in-laws who are here. Somehow, I’ve gotten hooked on to it big time. It’s surprising that I am hooked on though, considering that scene after scene, serial after serial, is one cliche after another.

From what I see:

1. The name of the serial has to be feminine - a particular woman’s name(Arasi, Mekala), female relationship (Magal, Mannaivi etc..) 
2. The title song has to be realllllllllllly long - long enough so that people who just started cooking dinner or lunch can finish before the actual story starts. They are usually not worth watching, because the idea is to give an aspiring singer, music director and choreographer an inexpensive platform to showcase their work.
3. The protagonist has to be a woman.
4. The protagonist has to be one that goes through unimaginable (and I mean unimaginable because nobody could imagine these in true life) burdens in succession.
5. The protagonist usually has either a ‘villie’ mother-in-law or a ‘villain’ husband or both.
6. If the villie mother-in-law and the villain husband aren’t villie or villain enough, then there will always be the official villain of the serial - one who is keen on ‘pazhi vaangifying’.
7. If there is a priest(father) in the serial, he always (and I mean always) walks around with a rosary and bible in hand. I mean, come on, a priest has to be prepared at all times - What would he do if he were questioned on the bible by any of the other characters in the serial?
8. The heroine or her kin have to visit prison for a crime they actually did not commit.
9. The heroine has to have had multiple attempts on her life in the form of a speeding truck (which would be hard to ignore in real life, considering that it actually hits on slow bumpy out of the way chennai roads) and at-least one attempted poisoning.
10. The heroine will have at-least one person in the good part of the family giving up his/her life for the former.
11. The heroine or her family has to lose all the money they ever had by being naive enough to let the villain cheat them.
12. If the background music is a happy tune, it’s because in the next few minutes, someone is going to have an accident, or the villain has unleashed a new form of attack on an unsuspecting family, because let’s face it - happy tunes are short-lived in tamil serials.
13. If there is a death in the serial, the only way the viewer can empathize is, if they see all those involved wailing and mourning at excruciating decibel levels, see the nose-stuffed person acting dead, actually see a funeral pyre burn to the end, and watch people walk back in full ’sogam’. All of the above needs to extend across at-least 2 episodes, so the viewer actually believes that the person is reallllly dead.

And if you are lucky enough to witness the almost non-existent occurrence of a last episode, then I’ve heard they usually end with a family get-together and surprisingly this time they are all laughing.

 Enna Ulagamada Idhu?? Thankfully not our ulagam!

All of us have all types of friends.. close friends, old friends, new friends, office friends, school friends and college friends, family friends. I am not sure if other people have what I call “party friends”.

Party friends are characterized by the fact that, you never see them anywhere except at other people’s parties. These are people you have nothing in common with but you see them every now and then at parties of common acquaintances. You get introduced once or twice and then you “have” to do the customary “Hi..”

So this is how a typical conversation would go.

 Me: Hey Hi.. How are you?

PF: I am doing great.. How are you? (Note how we don’t use each other’s names, because we are not sure.. that’s why) wow.. Look at your daughter.. Shez grown so much since X’s party in March.

Me: Oh ya.. Shez now 19 months old. How is your son? blah blah..

PF: Hez good.. very naughty… blah blah.. (Few mins of proud mommy bragging by both of us)..

Me: Come home sometime.. We should catch up.. (Thinking to myself - Who has the time.. We hardly know these people)

PF: Sure.. You guys should come too.. We dont live too far.. You know that Walgreens at blah blah blah.. (She knows I don’t plan to come and she isn’t planning to come either).

(Now we’ve run out of topics and are itching to end this forced conversation. Both of us start looking around to see what excuse we can find)

Me: Smrithiiiiiiiii.. (I run behind my daughter who is actually just standing and staring at me)

PF: Oh Hey Hi (to the next person).. 

Me & PF: Ok then.. I’ll see you later..

End of conversation!

Sometimes, however we meet more often like during the Christmas season - So you can imagine how much worse this conversation could be.

After much contemplation I decide that the best strategy was to invite everyone on both the Saturdays and make my rounds on the Sundays. I was able to get the treadmill to fold upwards thus creating some much needed space in the basement, but I would feel better if I could get rid of it for the timebeing (actually forever), but my husband thinks it’s impossible to move it even by a few inches especially since it’s on a rubber surface which makes it difficult to slide. Hmm.. Not satisfied by the answer, but since I don’t personally have the muscle for it, I will have to fit in my guests in the little space available.

I sent out the evite a few minutes ago and to my amazement, I have 44 people visiting. Coool.. not bad for an american golu in a dark cold basement.