Today I experienced something for the first time, something I am sure I will experience many many times in the future in worse proportions, and my reaction today makes me worried as to how I am going to cope in the many years to come.
We were at a get-together. Five families and five children, the oldest of which was in third grade and the youngest was my daughter at 2 and a half. They decided to play “run from someone” game, where someone ended up being the youngest, most innocent and naive kid, my daughter. They all ran from her, and hid in the bedroom and shut the door, while she slowly made her way up the stairs to find herself locked out. They’d see her, scream, run and shut themselves in the bathroom and she’d call me “Amma.. all go in bathoom”. It was some silly kids’ game, but my daughter clearly didn’t understand it, and more so why she was being left out. She just wanted to play with them. Every few minutes she called out “Mommy”, because she’d been left out of some room. I couldn’t take the disappointed look on her face. It broke my heart to see her being the scapegoat of the game. When one of the other moms reprimanded the older kids and asked them to include her in the game – I saw a smile light up her face. Few minutes later, she was normal, running behind the older kids, trailing by a few feet wherever they went, but I cannot shake off that disappointed look she gave me. I’ve done this like 1000 times to my brother – when he thought I was his only friend and my friends were his. 15 something years later, I feel guilty for having done that.
I know it’s a really stupid incident, and that she will grow up have her own friends, probably do the same thing to younger kids, but it scares me that I was affected by it. If I can feel so bad that some 6 year old or 8 year old ignored her, I guess I have a lot of growin up to do, before I can be unfazed by people and events that disappoint my daughter for the rest of her life.